Lately as I've really been diving into myself mentally, there has been a piece of me that keeps rearing it's head begging me to share. I don't know why, but today is the day that I get it all off my chest.
In all honesty, I have always had the desire to write a book about my life because seriously, there are parts of it that would make a pretty fantastic TV series, but the one goal that I have had my entire life is to not let my past define me.
We could start with childhood and my biological Dad. Sorry guys, my childhood wasn't full of sunshine and skittles. As much as I wanted it to be, it wasn't. Instead it was full of wrecked cars and lots of police officers. Screaming and fighting in the home that would lead me to crying on the front steps until the cops showed up. I got a lot of teddy bears that I held onto dearly for several years.
I don't tell this story for pity, but rather how we all come from different places and experiences that shape us into the people we become. We can let it drag us into the depths of despair or we can rise from it a stronger person. I chose from a very early age to rise.
I was always the girl in school with a smile on my face + a happy-go-lucky attitude. I was friends with everyone and my mom always called me the "Social Butterfly!" I could hop from group to group and I didn't have a care in the world.
My biological Dad at the time was not the person he is today. Although I don't have much to do with him, I still remember those scary moments in the past. Remember me saying you could probably make a pretty good TV series about my life?! I wasn't kidding.
The divorce was ugly and being the person he was back then, I believe that it was unfortunate he got joint-custody. At that time, nothing good really came from our visits. Well, I do remember the off-brand M&M's he used to buy from Wal Mart that were so bad, but you couldn't stop eating them.
Anyways, the good memories that I remember from way back when were making Apricot cookies and fresh OJ with my Nana. The neighbor had an Apricot tree and I would get to walk over
After my mom remarrying it sent him into a tailspin. I remember one rainy night we were driving in the car and he was hell bent on me telling him where she had moved. I was seven + had no clue. I ended up having him pull over at some random house and I took off inside to call my mom. This happened on multiple occasions although not all of them were due to his quest to figure out where we lived.
I remember one year my Nana (Dad's mom) gave me a journal for Christmas. It was a journal that I still have today full of all my memories, life plans, and biggest heartbreaks. In the front cover she had placed a magazine article about how journaling is a great way to release emotions and help yourself emotionally.
I took this to heart + documented everything. It was like a friend I never had because although I jumped from group to group, I never truly felt as though I belonged. I poured my heart and soul into exercise, school, and showing horses. These were my outlets, my escape from reality.
There is one part of my life that I would love to touch on here, but don't really know how. There are still lots of feelings surrounding it and I know for some, it may dredge up old feelings, but it's time I get this off my chest.
This is my Grandma (Mom's mom). She was my safe place, my friend, and someone that loved me fiercely when I felt as though no one else did. She loved to take me shopping and is the reason I still love it today!
She is the one always telling me to chase my dreams + pushing me to move forward with my passion for photography. She bought me my first film camera when I was 15 and I haven't looked back since.
Events happened during my high school years that in my eyes felt like an "us or her" situation. Bad stories were told and the family fell apart. I was torn and honestly didn't know what to do.
A lot transpired over the next little while, I did some counseling, dreamed up my dream life + away I went.... or so I thought.
I started dating who is my husband today toward the end of our Senior year. It was like that "bad boy" crush we "good girls" have! ha He wore semi-baggy pants + melted my heart with his hat on crooked.... he still does today minus the pants thing!
Graduation hit and I was off to college; for a minute anyways. I ended up getting pregnant in October and puked during class through the rest of the semester before having Kenna.
To be honest, I don't know how much to share here because boy, things could get real personal. The real + raw thoughts that went through my head during this time were some that I would like to forget to be honest.
I knew I loved her Dad, we could work our tails off to give our kids the life we wanted to create + I also thought my life was over.
Here's where I want to talk about my people pleasing tendencies and the things that I remember from my point of view. I remember being told that we should give the baby up + part ways, when we decided to get married, I was told that we shouldn't have a reception because I was pregnant, sex before marriage is a sin next to murder.
I mean, wow! This is where my mental state took a turn for the worst and our marriage was on the rocks for several years. I felt that because I was pregnant at the age of 19 I was the scum of the earth. I was now a "teen pregnancy statistic" and I had nothing to be proud of.
I lost myself for a hot minute and to be honest, the one person that I know would have stood by my side wasn't allowed to be because I was so torn.
All I know is when that baby girl was born something inside of me came alive and a little piece of me got lost.
I struggled for the first little bit because Post-partum hormones be wild, but this is where the journey of losing and finding myself again begins.
Perhaps as mothers we all feel this way at times, but I had so many people telling me what I no longer could do that I gave everything up and focused on solely being her mom.
Fast forward a few years and I woke up a bit + put the dreamer hat back on. Here I stand today moving toward where I want to go in life instead of being stuck in my old way of thinking.
Life isn't always what we think it should be, but it can be what we make it. So mama, don't give up on your dreams and don't let anyone else tell you what you can't do just because of your circumstance. You can do whatever you set your mind to and work hard for.
